So I was thinking. Yes I know, not something I do a lot. (jk inside joke with my fiance.) And I realized just how many people I've known through out my 22 years of existence and then I realized just how many of those people I still know and talk to to day. I started thinking about all the people I thought I would have in my life forever and just how fleeting their moment in the movie of my life was. I started thinking of old friends who haven't taken the time to find me online, old boyfriends, and old enemies. I started thinking alot about that phrase "what if" a lot as well. Its really amazing when you follow that thought through to think of how your life would have changed. If I hadn't moved to Georgia, would I have ever met my fiance? Or would I have made a life with someone in Utah? Or would I have grown old next to my best friend as old betty's with 100 cats to keep us company? So many out comes to think about. There are so many people in my life that I'm greatful for and so many things I wouldn't change. There are also people who were in my life who I some times think about and wonder how they are and what they are doing. Its just a sobering thought when you think about it. All the friends I had in College that I thought would be in my life for years really only lasted a year or two. I managed to get away from my college expirence with one friend. When I was in Highschool and Jr. High I coudln't even begin to count the number of friends I had that I thought were close to me, and now I can count on one hand. (Tia you are on that hand don't worry :) and Natalie I'd like to think that you are there too. I wish I knew you and your family better. And I'll say this again for the hundreth time. Copeland is way too cute for his own good :)) I guess this all comes from being alone where I am. I don't have anyone to go out with and have a girls night out. I guess I could go out with Reggie's friend Lizzy but then I usually feel like she's just doing him a favor. Its just really lonely here. Maybe I should join a book club or some thing when we get on our feet. Who knows. Maybe I'm just destined to be by myself save for my family. Which hoping its in gods plan will start expanding next year. I really hope Reggie can find a goooooood job. Here's hoping next Christmas I'm writing about my pregnancy.
Merry Christmas to all who actually read this and Have a wonderful new year.
Thoughts and memories on Our marriage as we wander down the road of life.
Thanks, Tawsha :)
ReplyDeleteI have a few thoughts for you from my personal experiences, so bear with me.
It's been often I have wondered about the same thing as you have, but I can tell you now that there is somebody for everybody--multiple somebodies, actually. If you had never moved to Georgia, you surely would have found someone else. You would have lost friends, made friends, kept friends as you put effort forth. I had a hard time making friends after I got married, but the best way for me to have made friends (and I'm not trying to be preachy) was to attend something weekly--for me, it was church (not that I only attend for friends, because I also strongly believe what is taught).
That is the other thing that has brought me happiness: faith. I don't know how religious you are, and if you aren't, that's okay too--but it has made me hopeful and happy and has given me a standard to live by. It helps me work. The other thing that has brought me happiness is work and education. I don't believe anyone can be truly happy without work. I know when I don't accomplish something good everyday, I feel a little less useful and able as a human being and citizen to society. Volunteering, serving--they also make me happy. Trying to be more active in my neighborhood (in Ogden, there are plenty of opportunities!) and putting my skills to work for them help so much to make me feel worthy of the status of a useful citizen in society.
Where am I getting with this? This is also how I meet and visit with people! I have so many friends now because I am active in my community, and I find so much joy in having these friends!
I also find joy in being a parent, but I'll be honest with you: babies are SUPER tough work. I think I've not cried about five times for the 3 1/2 months he's been with us, but he's worth it and I love him. From personal experience, I want to warn you: you cannot be a confident parent if you lack confidence in yourself. I wish I would have learned this earlier, because it would have saved me so much heartache (and saved my mom the frustration!).
I strongly believe that the harder it is to do something, be something, or get something, the better it is. It's easy to be an unhappy person, to not have friends, to find a deficit of worth in one's self, but the work it takes to achieve what truly makes human beings happy is all part of having joy! If you find it easier to stay at home rather than participate in a community-building or character-building activity, reevaluate your situation: is this helping me be a better person?
You don't have to be alone. But don't expect people to do all the work to uphold a friendship. A lot of work is also required on your part (it took me a long time to learn this quality--you're not alone!) to keep that friendship alive. I'm not talking about sucking up to people, but rather a genuine concern and care for that person.
And all that comes with service.
Sorry about my ramblings :) I'm not trying to tell you you're a terrible person or anything, because heaven knows you're not! I was in your shoes once and I know I have become happier since I have learned to journey out of my comfort zone.
Nothing good ever came without hard work (and, for me, faith in God), tears, and sacrifice.
I hope you feel better. I haven't forgotten you at all. I'm really good at talking anymore, so if you need to talk, we're facebook friends and I have gmail: jaydnatalie@gmail.com If you'd like, we could chat (if you have gmail, that is).
I'll be there for you if you need me--even though I'm all the way back in Utah! Please know that you're thought about and loved!